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Comical Tragedies

*****

Why are you late?

I’m sorry. It took me a little bit longer this morning to convince myself that I need this job.

*****

He was only 36 years old.

I know. I’m sorry.

He lived such a healthy life.

I know. I was over his house just last week and his cabinet was full of B-12, Calcium, Zinc…

I just don’t understand.

If you don’t mind me asking, how did he die?

He choked on some vitamins.

*****

On Saturday my dad took me fishing…

On Sunday my mom took me to the park to fly my kite…

It was just like fishing, just upside-down.

*****

Wouldn’t it be nice if someone were brave enough to go up to a cop and say, “you can’t park there!”

*****

So how did you get rid of the stress? Therapy? Pills?

No, I quit my job.

*****

I see that you have much financial debt…

…you are unhappy with your job…

…and you have some trouble with women.

Wow, you can tell all that just from looking at that ball?

No. I can tell all that from looking at you.

*****

(Young girl) Oh god, am I going to look like that?

(Old lady)  Oh no, did I really used to look like that?

*****

We got him his favorite cereal and he doesn’t eat any.

He’s still upset.

Upset about what?

Remember about 4 months ago when he choked on the toy he found in the box.

Yeah, you said you were in the living room and you heard some noise.

So I ran to the kitchen and he had a toy in his mouth.

You said he was choking on it.

It wasn’t safe!

You told me you wrote to the cereal company and complained about there being a toy in the box.

Yes I did.

So is he traumatized by the idea of choking?

No.

Then why doesn’t he eat the cereal?

He’s upset there isn’t a toy inside.

*****

(Superman is at a job interview.)

So, superman. What brings you to proctor and gamble?

With laws as stringent as they are, people haven’t needed much rescuing.

Mm hmm.

So I figure I could get in the corporate world and earn myself a couple bucks. I mean it worked for “Bruce,” right?

There’s not much experience listed on your resume.

Yeah, I’ve been saving lives and stuff.

So, what are some of the skills that you feel make you stand out.

I can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Okay…

I’m more powerful than a locomotive.

Dually noted.

Oh, and I’m faster than a speeding bullet.

How’s your typing speed?

Um, I’m not sure.

Look, I’d love to give you a job but except for the work at the Daily Planet I just don’t see anything notable here.

I don’t understand.

Even if I was able to find a job for you, how can we write you a check, you have no social?

I’m from Krypton; we don’t have a social security office. We don’t even have a planet.

I’m sorry, but I have another interview. If you’d like to wait in the lobby, maybe we can talk later.

Fine, I just hope no one jumps out of a window, I might have to leave.

(In the lobby)

(The next interviewer walks out.)

You look awfully confident. Did things go well in there?

I guess you could say that.

Did he ask you, “what makes you stand out?”

He didn’t have to.

Why is that?

You have x-ray vision and you can’t see?

Excuse me?

That whole flying and super human strength might have been great back in the old days, but it doesn’t get far now a days.

I suppose you know what does.

You’re looking at them.

You’re eyeballs?

No, my tits.

Uhm… I’m sorry?

I can get out of traffic tickets, walk my way to the front of any line and get men to pay for whatever I want.

Well I’m sure you’d love to fly right outside this office.

Nah, I’m perfectly fine walking out with the job you wanted.

Damn, I was really hoping she’d say yes. I was going to toss her out the window.

*****

Dude, you’re song is on MTV

That’s incredible, I’m shocked.

I know, your band’s exposure will go so far.

No, not that. I can’t believe MTV still plays music.

*****

So I went to one of those “earn money beyond your wildest dreams” seminars.

I’ve seen commercials for those.

It was pretty expensive but I thought it would be worth it.

How much did it cost, if you don’t mind me asking?

About $400 for two days.

Were there a lot of people there?

Probably 200 or so.

I guess everyone’s looking to make some quick money.

I learned a little bit.

Learned what? Those things are a huge scam.

It’s not a scam. The guy running it was a multi-millionaire.

I’m sure you could be too if you could make 80,000 for a weekend.

*****

God, I’m a fat, lazy pig!

Kathy, what are you getting all worked up about?

I’m depressed about my weight.

Why now?

What’s that supposed to mean?

I mean, I’ve known you for almost a year and you’ve stayed the same weight.

Everything has nutrition facts printed on it.

…?

I watch the news and they go over all the warnings of what foods are high in calories and fat.

That’s a good thing, isn’t it?

All the companies are covering their asses by warning consumers.

It’s about time they did!

I suppose…

What does all this have to do with you being depressed?

You just don’t get it, do you?

I guess not. Why don’t you tell me?

It was so comfortable for overweight people to blame genetics, food companies, and the media.

…?

Now there’s no one left to blame but myself.

*****

Hey, Mark. We’re friends right?

Yeah, of course.

Can I ask you a question?

Besides the two you already have?

Seriously. Do you ever get sexually frustrated?

Before I got married.

Before? Those are supposed to be the best years of your sexual life.

I grew up with strict sexual beliefs. No sex before you get married but all the sex you want when you get married.

Does all that sex have to be with your wife?

Very funny.

Is it still pre-marital sex if you don’t marry the person?

As far as my mother was concerned, yes.

I think my wife follows some different religion.

One that frowns on pre-marital sex, too?

No, apparently she doesn’t believe in post marital sex.

*****

So for this year’s commercials I was thinking of having a lizard as our spokesperson.

A lizard? Are you serious? Why would millions of Americans weigh their decision for car insurance on a reptile? Why don’t we just continue with athletes and movie stars?

Well sir, you said you wanted something that was different from our competitors.

You’re right, I’m sorry. I just don’t see any potential from a lizard. What else have you got?

Okay, so instead of a lizard I was also thinking maybe a caveman.

A caveman?

Yeah, a caveman.

So the best you have is a lizard and a caveman? Lizards and cavemen don’t even f*cking drive. Get the hell out of my office!

*****

This isn’t going to work.

It’ll catch on, trust me.

Why in the world are people going to pay for something that they can get anywhere for free?

Because we’ll tell them they should.

Water falls from the sky and comes out of their faucet!

So?

So why are they going to pay us $2 a bottle for it?

We’ll just tell them that that water is bad.

And why is ours better, because it’s in a plastic bottle?

No, because ours is from a spring and stuff.

Which is filled with the water that falls from the sky…

Trust me. In no time people will love this stuff.

(Five years later…)

So, you’re telling me that people are going to pay us 5 dollars just to park their car?

Yup.

They don’t even know us. Why are they going to just hand over their keys and trust a complete stranger with their car?

Because we have these red vests on.

They can park their own cars, why would they pay us to do it?

To save more time for shopping.

Most of these people don’t even buy anything at the mall.

At least now they’ll own a green valet ticket for 5 bucks.

Valet? Why are we calling this valet?

It sounds fancy; they’ll feel important when they say it.

I don’t think this is going to work.

You said the same thing about bottled water and look at how much money we’ve made with that.

*****

Why do you smoke so much pot?

It helps me relieve stress.

What are you stressed about?

I can’t stand my job.

Why is that?

I don’t make enough money. I work but I always end up broke.

Why don’t you get a better paying job?

Every other job makes you take a piss test.

*****

Why’d you tell her she was beautiful?

I thought she was beautiful.

And what kind of response did you get, Casanova?

She didn’t really say anything.

Duh!

What does that mean?

What was she supposed to say, “Thank you”?

I don’t know.

Maybe if you would have called her a bitch or something…

Why would I do that?

To keep her talking.

*****

Hey Kathy, how’d your date go?

You know, that guy you met through that on-line dating service.

That exciting?

Exciting!?! I was so bored!

Why? Was he not what he presented himself in the survey?

No. He was EXACTLY like he presented himself.

Sounds like a match made in heaven.

Well, the night was hell?

Why is that?

As he spoke I kept saying, “yeah, I know” and “yeah, me too.”

Well, what else did you guys talk about?

There was nothing TO talk about.

But you guys had so much in common.

We filled out a 200 question survey that covered everything.

I thought those dating sites have a lot of success.

Maybe for the people who skip the survey or lie.

Perhaps you’re right.

You seem to do well with dating, how do you meet guys?

I leave my house and actually meet them.

*****

I don’t know what happened…

You’re talking about that girl again?

I spent 2 hours looking for that awesome shirt.

That is a nice shirt.

It better be; it cost me over 80 bucks.

I know.

It took me another hour to find those cool jeans.

Can I borrow those?

Then I spent half an hour making my hair look all cool and messy.

I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t want another date.

Me either.

What’d you say to her to start the conversation?

“Hey, you’re hot.”

How much time did you spend coming up with that?

*****

Dude, that chick on the other side of the bar is totally checking you out.

Which one?

The one with the big boobs, wearing a thin black top and she has blonde highlighted hair.

Which one? They all look like that.

(other side of bar)

Hey Kathy, that cute guy over there has been staring you down.

What cute guy?

The one with the short spiky hair, wearing those torn up jeans and a black button-down shirt.

Um… Anything else? I can’t tell them apart.

*****

I don’t understand why I’m single.

I’m a woman who’s independent and hard working.

I don’t want anything from a guy except for a loving partnership.

Sure I like nice things but I don’t need or expect for a man to buy them for me.

And I’m very open-minded.

Guys like all that right?

I mean, even he looks like a great guy.

It’s too bad he’s gay, though.

(opposite side of the bar)

I don’t understand why I’m single.

I’m a man who’s in tune with women’s concerns.

I understand the tremendous effort women put into looking good for guys like us.

I’m sure they appreciate a guy who spends some time looking good for them.

And I’m open-minded.

Girls care about that right?

She looks pretty promising.

Too bad she’s a gold digger.

*****

So, what do you do?

I’m in investments.

Me too. Well, kind of.

I’ve done pretty well at accruing interest from my investments.

So have I.

I put… $9000 in mutuals, $4600 gross mutuals, and of course plenty in petroleum

Wow…

With the projected residuals, I should be able to retire in 10 years.

I invested $6000 in my boobs, $1800 in my lips, and $4300 in lypo and I haven’t had to work a day since.

*****

I’m sorry ma’am but I just need to inform you that this game is rated “M” for mature.

Oh? Why is that?

It has blood, violence, drugs, gangs and theft.

Oh, that’s okay, as long as there’s no nudity.

*****

God, my back is killing me.

Why? What happened?

I got a massage.

And your back is still hurting?

No, it wasn’t hurting before the massage.

Then why did you get a massage?

The sign said “Be treated like a king.”

So you wanted to be a king?

Yeah, but now I know better.

Because of what they did to your body?

That and I was watching this documentary on TV.

About massages?

No, about Chinese history.

What did you find out?

It turns out they hated the king.

*****

I got to say, that’s a pretty sweet ride, man.

Thanks.

You know, you could have sold me out and brought some hot chick.

Nah man, you and I, riding in style.

We pull up to this club and they actually allow us in line.

Can you front me the cover?

You drive that car and you can’t pay 20 bucks?

No, I can’t pay 20 bucks because I drive that car.

*****

I admire you.

Why?

You’re so simple.

I’m simple?

Yeah.

Why do you say that?

My purse is filled with all kinds of crap…

And?

Yours isn’t.

Well, the purse was $400.

So?

After I bought the purse, I didn’t have much left.

Oh.

I’m not simple. I’m just broke.

*****

I can’t believe it!

What? What did I do?

I gave you $300 dollars to go buy clothes for school.

I did. I didn’t buy anything but clothes.

That was less than two weeks ago.

I know. What are you mad about?

It hasn’t even been two weeks and your jeans are all torn…

Yeah, but…

And your new shirts are all faded….

Yeah, but…

Do you need me to wash your clothes?

No, I can wash my own clothes.

Not without ruining them.

I didn’t ruin them. They were like that when I bought them.

*****

(Guidance counselor’s office)

So you’re in your senior year and not sure what kind of career you want?

Pretty much.

Well, tell me a little about yourself and let’s see if we can come up with something.

Um, I don’t know. I don’t really fit in.

What do you mean?

The geeks think they’re smarter than me, the jocks think they’re stronger than me and the rich snobs just think they’re better than me.

And how does that make you feel?

I just know they’re wrong.

Kids can be cruel.

It just makes me so angry.

How does this relate to a possible career?

I would just love to get them back, you know.

Have you ever considered law enforcement?

*****

(Inside the oval office)

I want to thank you all for coming today. I know you’re all very busy. You have all performed a great service to your country. Rather than giving attention to the rising death toll of U.S. soldiers, soaring gas prices and the onset of a recession, Americans are wondering what’s going on with all of you.

 

Britney, in return for neglecting your children and marrying a retard, I will expunge your record and give you a lifetime supply of energy drinks.

 

Paris, I will provide enough government funding to buy back every copy of that terribly filmed video, except for my copy, of course.

 

Lindsay, I will demand that any production company of your choosing signs you on for their next big film.

 

Last but not least, my dear, sweet, and completely comfortable with nudity, Angelina. You’ve been kind enough to visit every country that I was too busy watching cartoons to fly to. You’ve also followed our secret scheme to precision; a plan to adopt a kid from every country so that you would be in complete control of the U.N. in 40 years.

 

All of you, I thank you, your country thanks you.

*****

So, who do you favor in the upcoming election?

You know, I really don’t care for any of the candidates.

Why not?

They just don’t have the character traits of a president.

What traits?

Resourcefulness, bravery and the ability to relate to the general public.

So who do you know that fits that description?

Homeless people.

Seriously?

Yeah, think about it. They work well under a limited budget, don’t mind dealing directly with the public and most of them are Vietnam veterans.

*****

I tried to join a non-conformist group once.

Why?

I was sick of being part of the corporate “cash cow”

What’s that?

Who knows. I didn’t care to find out.

So, what happened?

They said I didn’t seem passionate enough.

That’s it?

Well that and I didn’t have a beard, torn clothes and flip flops.

*****

Kids are great, aren’t they?

Not my kid.

What do you mean?

I think he has A.D.D.

I thought the same of my son.

I need to see a doctor and get some Ritalin for him, or something.

Why? What’s he doing?

He won’t sit still for more than 5 minutes.

Mm hmm…

I ask him to do something and he doesn’t finish.

Okay…

And last week he drew on his walls with a crayon.

Yeah, kids are a handful.

So did you ever find out what was wrong with your son?

As it turns out, that’s just how 7 year olds are.

*****

Why do you have so many cigarettes if you don’t smoke?

I take them from my friends.

Then why not just throw them away?

I keep them to offer to people.

What people?

People I don’t necessarily care about.

Why would you go through the trouble of offering?

Population control.

So, can I have a cigarette?

Sure.

*****

I totally believe in fate and destiny…

I believe that god has someone special out there for me and I am open to whoever that may be…

As long as he…

 

lives within 20 miles of where I do

is between 30 and 35 years old,

is between 5’11” and 6’3” in height,

makes more than $42,000 a year,

hasn’t been married more than once,

has no children,

drives a car less than five years old,

has been employed at his current job for more than 4 years,

doesn’t have a dog that weighs more than 20 pounds,

goes to the gym at least twice a week but doesn’t “live” at the gym,

and doesn’t drink heavily…

 

…but besides that I am totally open minded.

*****

(two police officers have just pulled over a “suspicious” motorist)

You’re black and it’s late, where’s the drugs?!?

*****

What do you do for a living?

I’m a realtor.

Oh, but what do you do for a living?

*****

26 years, wow! Mr. Jones, what’s the secret to staying married 26 years?

Huh?!?

I said, what’s your secret to staying married so long?

What?

Never mind, I got my answer

*****

Now son, you’re about that age where we should talk about drugs.

What are you talking about?

You’re in junior high now and some of the other kids at school might try to get you to smoke stuff.

Dad, we already talked about this in school.

Well, I just wanted to let you know that you’re perfectly okay and don’t need to do drugs to fit in.

Thanks dad.

Now take you’re Ritalin and get ready for school.

*****

My eyes are red in the photo. Doesn’t your camera have red eye reduction?

Yeah, it was on, you’re just really high!

*****

Wouldn’t it be great to go back in time?

Yeah.

I’d go back in time and kill the guy who invented denim.

Why?

So I could return and see what people look like naked.

 

One Comment leave one →
  1. Katy Perry permalink
    September 17, 2011 5:40 AM

    very amusing.. love the superman one!

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